From here to there and back again

Day 76

Another new day after another old, sleep deprived night. Took nightnurse and everything but still couldn't sleep. I dunno. My New Life isn't taking off with quite the speed, vigour and enthusiasm that I had hoped. Still feel wrecked all the time, and have little energy to do anything but just push through. What do I have to shift to make some change occur here?

Steve has been contacted about a contract job that is within walking distance of our house. The pay is on the limp side, to say the least, but with no travelling costs it evens out a bit. Am very excited - I have a good feeling about this one. Hope he gets an interview. Hope he gets the job. Hope he's happy in it if he does. Lots of hope, basically.

Am trying to decide between gardening and ironing, as a way to wear myself out a bit so that I sleep better. I like gardening, especially pruning which suits my artistic eye and OCD tendencies, but it is wet and cold, and I don't cope well with the cold when I am tired. Ironing is warm and dry and I can do it in front of the telly, but it is IRONING! Urrrrrgh! Hurts my feet terribly and gives me backache as well as turning my brain into cauliflower. What to choose?

Suddenly, I am prompted to stop.

I think I have to move away from al these verbs if I want to promote advancement into My New Life. I spend my time doing, doing, doing. This is a bit of a novelty in itself, and therefore is pulling my focus. After all these years of incapacity with the Chronic Fatigue, it is encouraging to be able to push through and achieve things, to cross them off my endless lists, to be able to do something just because I said I would.

I know deep down in the bright and wise places within me, that it is not about what I do, but how I do it, what state of mind I inhabit, and what goal I am aiming for, that counts. If my life is to change it starts from the inside. So I will pause awhile here.

What to choose?

I hear the answer from a clearer place.

"It does not matter. Get dressed and tell your body it is beautiful, affirm who you are, and be grateful for all that you have and all that is being called forth for you. Breathe gently and deeply. Inhale the fresh new seconds of this gift of a day. Find an empty space of pure, crystal clear silence within and ask for direction. Pull love into your being so that whatever you do becomes a meditation. Give thanks, be happy, do as your heart decides."

And so a line from a favourite poem - ' I will arise and go now'.