It's all too much today

Day 73

I can't write today - I find I can't do anything today. I am wracked with an all-encompassing sense of inability and inertia. The more I push against it, the more invasive it seems to become.

I had a very bad night, with nightmares so real and scary that I almost woke Steve to go to the loo with me, and I am not an easily frightenend person. Steve says he woke in the night too and got very worried because he thought I wasn't breathing, so perhaps I was holding my breath in my sleep from plain terror.

The upshot is that I have no energy, no aptitude, and no enthusiasm for anything today. I hate days like this. I feel useless and lazy and just plain wrong. My feet are killing me. I have no energy to feed myself well and am eating over-sugared rubbish, which doesn't help. How many baths can one usefully have in one day if one is not a Golgafringen?

In My New Life I wanted to do away with days like these. Perhaps I have strayed too far off track - I am not spending any time with visualisation or meditation at the moment, having been caught up in practicalities. Maybe feeling like this is my wake-up call.

I think, to some extent, I saw things beginning when Steve went back to work and I was left to sort out my days alone. That's what I had mentally prepared myself for - having to do it unaided. I have been putting things on hold, I now realise.

Another resolution then - to take a more holistic approach, to focus on the spiritual and mental as well as the physical and practical. It is not just what I do, but how I do it, what space I am coming from, and what vision I am creating, that will start to determine My New Life.

But I have to say, I could really do with a good night's sleep.

And it seems I can write, it just happens to be rubbish!