Counting down

Day 60

I lay awake last night until four in the morning. I am lucky enough, that when the insomnia hits, I can be unstressed about it. There is nothing I have to do today, so I can catch up on sleep if I need to. I have no young children to be up and about for at six thirty in the morning, no job that I must be alert for at nine. I can take today as my body dictates.

So I listened to the wind whipping itself into a primeval frenzy, the rain constant and ferocious. This morning my beautiful Japanese Maple tree, so recently turned the colour of burning embers, is semi-nude, the garden littered like shame.

Last night, wary of the impending storm, we had packed away the garden chairs and taken down the wall plates, so the visiting wind did not hurl and smash them. Today, the tree trunks are black with soaking damp, the beds churned into chaos, and the whole garden has a Jurassic feel. The Old Magic stirs.

It seems to have blown my mind clear. Yesterday, I woke with a thumping head that hung like a reprimand over me all day. I finally gave in and took painkillers (which may be why I could not sleep, they don't much agree with me), but I still lay exhausted most of the time. I tried to work on my next book, but the concentration needed eluded me. I tried to rest, but tears overwhelmed me. I wanted to blog, but my brain blanked out. Another day older, that is all.

Today, I feel me again, and I am in that sacred place - an empty house. I shall put aside my book until Monday, and concentrate on starting the great Christmas present make schedule. We have less money than it takes to get through the month (on the dole thanks to the recession), and so everything must be less than cheap, it must be practically free.

My family are wonderful - they won't mind this at all. I personally, prefer homemade presents, and though I don't know if they go that far, I know they appreciate them. For my birthday this year, My brother and his wife filled a picture frame with old photos of me that I didn't know existed. I love that they made that effort for me. It is special.

For me, Christmas should have that feel. It is a time of thankfulness, of reminding ourselves what is important, of telling those we love how much we care. I don't subscribe to the 'Christmas shopping is hell' point of view. If you aren't enjoying it, don't do it. Being able to go into a shop and choose something particular for a special person in your life, is a privilege and a treat.

When I was a kid, there was never any money. A pair of hand-me-down shoes was, frankly, a big deal. I saw my brother and sister go without so much that they wanted, and often needed. One big dream I had was that one day, when I was older, I would be able to get them everything they wanted, desired, or deserved.

Well, next year maybe. In the meantime, this year, everybody is going to get my love, energy, creativity, and hard work instead. Really, what more could anyone want?