"It's time to get political" said the teacup

Day 69

"It's time to get political", said the teacup - this is the last thing I remember from my dream last night. There was also a large, sequined, Disney-style dragon thing, that was actually Eeyore, or possible a real donkey, but ever so nice and not gloomy at all. Then along came the teacup and saucer, which I remember thinking about yesterday as I wanted my friend Rebbecca to put a candle in it, (but I don't recall thinking about a donkey), but anyway the teacup was there, complaining about being too silly, and suggesting 'improvements', and I think there was a theme park or a village fete or something. So is it any wonder that I wake up disorientated and foggy and out of sorts?

Had a bad night anyway. Couldn't sleep because my skin was crawling with irritability and my emotions were boomeranging around hormonally, and I kept wanting to cry and scream and scratch all my skin off. This happens sometimes. Steve talked kind nonsense to me until I was exhausted enough to fall asleep. Even then, I kept waking up and struggling to sleep again, until too early this morning when I was disturbed by the alarm on his phone and I promptly snapped at him - although I'm hopeful that displaying such ingratitude was actually part of my weird dream, I rather suspect it wasn't.

(Not going to ask, don't want to know, feel too embarrassed. Especially as when I did get up, he gave me a hug and brought me a poached egg on toast.)

Yesterday was fairly unproductive. Totally failed to get on with making the Christmas pressies because everything I did turned out wrong, and when I tried to fix things I made them even worse. I showed one of the results to Steve, who usually says "oh isn't that nice" about everything so he's not a very impartial critic, but even he said "oh dear", and admitted it wasn't up to standard. Will start all over again today. Fingers crossed.

I remember a time when, if I got something horribly wrong, I would be assailed by thoughts of uselessness and inadequacy. I would beat myself up, concluding that "I couldn't get anything right", and even if I couldn't hear those thoughts clearly, I would still feel terribly down, discouraged, flat, and disenchanted.

Well, enough of that! I know my parents didn't think much of my capabilities, but I don't have to perpetrate what they started. These days I allow myself the freedom to make mistakes, have good days and bad days, pick myself up when I fall down and try again, only differently, with more effort, allowing my creativity freer rein, or taking better care. I no longer use failure as an excuse to doubt myself, but as a means of self-improvement. I choose to learn from the mistakes in order to do things better, and as this is hard to do if one is heavy with self-doubt and disappointment, then sod that for a game of conkers.

So, a clean slate, a fresh outlook, a new day - let us see what they can bring. I may only be making silly hand-made Christmas presents, but if all my heart and soul and care and thoughtfulness goes into the creating of them, then I am truly giving a gift, aren't I?