As a reaction to having no money this Christmas I am going completely over the top with my house decorations. Sadly, I don't mean in the 'lights over everything, council-estate' sort-of-way, (which I think is rather wonderful, but couldn't cope with), but more in the 'lets see how many surfaces of my house can be made to look festive' sort-of-way.
Pride of place is given to my plastic silver glitter Jesus money box. Let me just say that again - a plastic silver glitter Jesus money box. That is wrong on so many levels, which is probably why it appeals to me so much. Well - HE has a very special place, as you will see.
Last year, Steve and the cat were riveted by a TV programme called Bill Oddie's Wild Side, which naturally featured a lot of birds. Often the filming took place in Bill's own garden which is to the RHS what Nightmare Before Christmas is to Schindler's List. The place is crammed full of garden ornaments covering every level of taste imaginable, and some far below. It looks like it was designed by Alice in Wonderland on an acid trip in Bavaria. Fabulous place, honestly, beyond words wonderful, and kitsch as all Hell.
One piece of filming followed the antics of a fox that snuck in there at night and moved things around. The apogee of this vignette for me was Bill Oddie exclaiming "Oh look, Jesus is out of his pond!", and popping him back in his 'rightful place' (?) in the middle of a tiny puddle, surrounded by outsize frogs and turtles etc.
Why this was the perfect spot for him (or why he was there in the first place) was never made clear. There was some sense of baptismal possibility, I suppose, but the garden gnome looking on did rather render this unlikely.
I found this was the image that stayed with me, however, long after the series was over. I'm sure the cat still dreams of flocks of starlings that resemble a whale, but I still see Jesus in his pond, and that, weirdly, has become the right place for him in my mind.
I don't have a pond though. So the nearest thing to that is the toilet cistern on which he now proudly stands, blessing every bit of water that flows therefrom. This pleases me no end. The true spirit of Christmas is alive and well and living in my downstairs loo.
Am going to the woods at the end of the road (when I have the energy), to pick ivy to drape over all the pictures. Why this has become the fashion I have no idea, but it makes more sense seasonally than tinsel does.
Instead of being all chic and themed or colour co-ordinated like I usually am, I have put all my decorations out. For instance, the tree baubles that clash are stacked in bowls or hung in front of pictures, and plastic snowflakes are hanging from the beams. Today the ceiling streamers are going up in the bedrooms so that no room is left un-christmassed. (I know that isn't a word, but it should be).
To my delight, I found I had three tiny Xmas stockings, just big enough to put a carrot in each. These have been hung on the guinea pig cage and are arousing much curiosity. I have become so happily occupied with all this decorating, that if an orange hangs around long enough it will find itself stuck full of cloves and tied up with ribbon, before it can scream for help from the man from Del Monte.
The 'Bah Humbug' hat is hanging over the cat's litter tray, naturally - there's no place for that in my Xmas!
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