Mars and Venus, at it again

Day 37

These days, I often find myself fascinated by the ways in which men and women differ. I think it is a reaction to my upbringing in the seventies, when the ethos was all about proving we were the same. It has always been glaringly obvious that we are not, but it took the 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' books to really bring the issue to the forefront. Nowadays, for instance, educationalists are finally agreeing that girls and boys learn in different ways, and classes are getting segregated again (in certain subjects), to ensure that no sexual group is disadvantaged by a teaching style that is more suited to the other. Hurrah for that.

I went to my Book Group last night, which is all female, and I found it very interesting as an example of how women bond together, as apposed to men. They are a really lovely group, assembled by my mate Rebecca, who is a genius at finding nice people. My son Joe has this talent too - he has always attracted good sorts - and it is a skill that should never be underestimated.

What I observed last night was this - when a group of women get together, some age old genetic programming seems to kick in, compelling us towards certain behaviour patterns, probably dating back to our time saying "ugg" in caves. I'm not suggesting we turn into Neanderthals, (unless it's a hen party at a Chippendale's concert, and a lot of shorts have been consumed), but that our tendency to want to coalesce closely as a group, dates back to our earliest need for survival thousands of years ago.

Think about it. The men have gone hunting. They need to be focused, risk-taking, able to solve problems very quickly, and highly competitive if they are to survive and ensure their offspring live to adulthood. The women are at home in the cave. They need to be multi-tasking, risk-averse, empathetic, and able to bond and work as a group, if they and theirs are to flourish. Different lives, different skills. The women must form a tight unit, a whole whose parts have equal value, able to depend on each other and looking out for the welfare of all the children, not just their own. Empathy is not just a socially sophisticated form of communication - in this community, it is the bedrock on which their survival sits.

In today's society, we have no need or desire for that level of rigidity. We are free to explore and express who we are in myriad ways, which is great. Men can be multi-tasking and empathetic, and women can be focused and competitive. This is all as it should be. But then you put us in a single-sex group, and our genetic heritage tugs just a little at the strings.

In Book Group last night, for instance, there was a slight but distinct lack of ease about disagreeing with each other over our enjoyment (or not) of the book we had chosen. Opposing views did not springboard us immediately into an excited Jeremy Paxman style heated debate, about the pros and cons of said offering. More frequently, in fact, we found ourselves looking for points that we could agree on, and the discussion was much more voluble and seemed more comfortable, when we could.

Indeed, even at the end Rebecca proposed a secret ballot to vote for the next book choice, so that no-one would feel coerced into agreeing with the choices of another. This was not a reflection on the integrity of the group - nobody there was pushy, domineering or manipulative, far from it - but a recognition of the inbuilt desire to form a solid group, where experiences are empathised with, and decisions are made by the group as a whole. The cult of the individual did our foremothers no service, and our cell memory still resonates with this knowledge at a primal level.

This tight, all-encompassing bonding, of which women are capable, is an extraordinary thing. It is at it's best in the friendships that last a whole lifetime, in the commuities where it's strength can move mountains, and where a collective sense of purpose and vision holds out against all odds. They say a man will save his wife from a burning building, whereas a women will save her children. I believe a sisterhood would save each other's children. Brilliant.