Day 116
Have spent a lot of time exhausted recently - a few days ago I was so tired I needed a straw to drink with as the act of lifting a cup was just too much. Seem to coming back to myself now though, so I can attempt a bit more.
Will spend the next few days thinking about, and meditating on, what direction I want to take in my recovery this month. I need some realistic goals to work towards, or I will find it too easy to drift from one day to the next with no discernible improvement.
That is the problem with long-term illness, I think. At the start, it is very easy to remember how one used to be and feel, and the desire to have that again is strong and clear. When one has been ill as long as I have, it is impossible to keep that focus. I can no longer recall what it felt like to be well, and so one day follows the next, much like the other, because 'coping' is what I am used to.
I don't want to 'cope' with this any more, to 'handle' it well or 'manage' my illness. There have been years when that was all I could do, when that was, in fact, the best I could do, in order to spare my family from the worst of it's repurcussions.
That has become my habit. It is a sort of half-life. I know I can do better than that.
This year, despite all that, I have posted off four new manuscripts, taken down the Xmas decorations, cleaned out the guinea pigs, and bathed them. (Sandra needed a haircut and produced enough fluff to make one whole, entire, new guinea pig). I have also done some fabulous, inventive, nutritious and cheap cooking, so - all in all, not too shabby.
But still ..... I know I can do better than that.
There is a big difference between what I have done and the 'I got up, went to work, did a full day, then came home, tidied the house, and fed the family' that other people do. That's what I used to be capable of, but if I think of doing that now I am overwhelmed with exhaustion at the idea, and feel extremely frightened to boot.
This is part of the battle - getting past these thoughts and feelings and trusting my body to be able to do more than I currently acheive. Illness is traumatising to the body, and I need to be mindful of that and treat it gently, consciously, and realistically, guiding it to a healthier place, rather than imposing too much on it all at once.
The trick is to make sure progress and improvement still happen - that I don't rest on my laurels every time I am hindered by exhaustion, and allow it to slip back to my default setting. I need some time to really consider how best to do this.
The next time I blog, I will start to define the steps I think I need to take, I will make a plan. It may not work perfectly, but the act of trying will lead me somewhere that has some distance from just being here. I don't know how much I can recover, but - either way - I know I must change as to stay as I am has become untenable.
Is a change as good as a rest?
Ask me in another 100 days.
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