Dream houses

Day 13

Last night I dreamt about a house. This is the least unusual statement I could make, because I dream every night and always have, often about houses. Each morning, before I rise, I replay my last dream fragments to myself, securing my memory of them - failure to do so leaves me feeling strangely dissconnected all day, with the sense of missing something important about myself, that is nudging at the back of my mind, always just out of reach. I don't much care for this experience, so when I dream, I pay attention. Oddly, just before I sleep, as my head hits the pillow, the previous night's dream fragment will come back to me then, every time.

When my hormones were more imbalanced than they are now, I used to have horrible nightmares on a regular basis. My husband got so used to me waking up in tears he learnt that reassurance needed to come before tea. Once when I had dreamt that he had left me and didn't love me anymore (good old abandonment issues, la la), he didn't even ask what was wrong, and just leant across saying "I won't and I do". Fabulous! Now, luckily, I am much more likely to dream about houses.

At night, I live in a succession of wonderful, interesting, glorious houses, with lots of rooms and swimming pools, and amazing views, all sun-drenched and colourful and enriching. Sometimes when I wake and it's cold and drizzly and dark, I can feel a bit deflated. I live in a lovely house, mind you, in a beautiful city, with terrific neighbours, so I'm not complaining. But the feelings that I have in my dream houses are the best bit - I am always safe and happy and comfortable and fully alive. As I build My New Life I am mindful of this. The space I want to create for myself is one where this is how I feel, as a natural consequence.

I like to interpret very powerful or recurring dreams as I think they are a great way for our subconscious to communicate with us. I believe my house dreams symbolise the possible futures that I have - all those unused rooms, and beautiful spaces are my unexplored talents and my unrealised potential. I am being told in a lovely and graphic way, that there is more to me (as there is to all of us) than I have let myself be so far. I am being encouraged to spread my wings, to stretch further than I am used to, to dare to be more.

Last night's dream was different though - the house was oppressive and distracting, and I felt tired and frazzled there. Upon waking I immediately asked myself "what was all that about?" and received a surprising swift answer - 'set your house in order'. So today I have done just that - I have worked on my book and completed the drawing for the 'blue' picture, even though I had a thumping headache again (life does like to test us). I did not allow myself to be too distracted, or to prevaricate, or to let my illness dictate the terms of my day. I hung out my flag, set out my stall or set my house in order - call it what you will. Today IS My New Life, and - wherever it leads me - I have to just get on with it.

Tomorrow I will paint in the 'blue' picture. For once I feel able to say this without adding "if I feel well enough". Tomorrow I will do it. Yes.