Letting God play dice

Day 264

Life is all about change sometimes. In our house we know a fair whack about that, as it happens. We rarely live anywhere longer than five years. Careers are updated or totally changed on a regular basis. I can't even keep a room looking the same for more than six months without all the furniture needing to be moved.

We live in a space of flux and progress as regards our inner selves, too. I am not the woman I was ten years ago, not remotely. I'm not even the woman I was last year. We are physical, emotional and intellectual nomads - always on the move.

Two years ago, I was a student, my younger son Sam was anti-school and working at Costa Coffee, and my fella was in I.T. in Bristol. One year on from that and I had finished college, and both husband and son were unemployed, but hubbie had started training as a Psychotherapist. Update another year to now, and fella has been working in Belgium, Sam is at college, and I am writing books and selling paintings.

Yet more change is on the horizon. For reasons that are his business Steve is discontinuing his psychotherapy, and the job is Antwerp is up in the air. Sam is pushing 20 and is starting to mature into a much more aware young man. I have gone through a complete identity crisis which - talking of change! - the bloody menopause has not helped. And yet, out of all of this I can only see the glimmers of light on a new horizon. My pulse quickens at the thought of "what next?".

Do you love, as I do, being driven down an unknown road, gazing out of the window at unfamiliar sights, drinking it all in? This is my life - a long drive down an unknown road. I trust the future and what it will bring because I have faced death and am not frigthened by it. There is safety in that. The future can bring what it likes, and the less I know about that the more surprised and delighted I often am.

So many times now we have been in a situation that could easily be labelled as unfortunate, and yet it has never really been so. Afterwards we have always found ourselves looking back and saying "look where we are now, thank goodness that happened because it led us here - how lucky are we?". Providence, serendipity, fortune favouring the brave - however you wish to call it - this is a marvellous thing. I am sitting on the cusp of change right now. I can feel it's bite and the familiar tingle in my solar plexus.

An unknown road beckons my husband, and where he goes, so go I. We are fellow journeymen in this life together. External changes usually demand internal ones - lessons learnt, ideologies shifted, old habits discarded, a cleansing if you will. We hold each others hands through it, and often provide the push for uncertain feet to move forward. Sometimes we have to drag each other. But we go, we travel, we move on, always together.

This time next year, where will we be? I love that I have no idea at all. So much potential, so much unplanned, unexpected, or out my control. The universe has the map to my life, not I. When it offers me riches that were more than I asked for, anticipated or imagined, I take them and say "thank you".

Yes. Say "thank you" and jump. That about sums it up, I think. If you relinquish some of the control and expand your horizons to include the unexpected, you may get more than you dreamed.

I always do.