One step forward, two steps back

Day 199

I should have expected it, I suppose - all new beginnings come from a clear place unless one is just running away. That is the easy way to create the illusion of a new start - just leave the old behind with all it's memories, influences and energy, and embark on a new path with true and purposeful resolutions.

How many times have we all done that - moved to a new house or job or relationship vowing that this time it would be different, a fresh start unsullied by all our past mistakes? And how many times has it made a difference, truly, or made some, but not enough?

199 days ago I started out on this journey, thinking that it would lead me straight to my desperately longed for destination, confident, excited, purposeful and envisioned. Instead it led me to this morning where, finally having a quiet place this week to really confront myself in, I found myself weeping in bed until 1.00 in the afternoon. A final and perhaps long overdue catharsis.

In truth, I met myself coming the other way. I felt the weight of the baggage I still carry, that I had failed to really notice until now. I understood the message - there is much to unlearn and let go of before a space can be found to fill with My New Life. I invited the knowledge before I went to sleep last night and this morning, like God's Express Delivery, the answers began to materialise.

I have lived around an illness for so long now that it seems my sub-conscious thoughts all find their way back to that. I meditate on and visualise myself as healthy, strong, and vibrant. I make plans based on recovery and refuse to verbalise the opposite. When I catch myself saying "I can't.." I rapidly change it and open up to possibility and renewal. None of this counts as the core still holds fast to another truth.

This is what this time is showing me - the blocks that I carry invisibly within. Before I can move forward, I must roll back to these and vanquish them. I can do this - it is not new to me. When I started college two years ago, I had to discard so much in order to make space for my real creativity to shine out. It was a painful process - my tutor often likened it to pulling teeth - but it was worth it in the end, very much so.

My life, my heart, my spirit all cry out for this freedom. To be without the baggage, the weight, the burden of my past, so that the radiance of my true heart can shine out also. To lovingly let go of my abusive childhood, to acknowledge graciously the lessons of my illness whilst finding a way to live without it, to overcome my own internal harpy and find a gentle voice to choose my actions with - these are my quests.

Wish me luck, send me love, and leave me alone. This is my time.