The Big Bad Fairy Dust

Day 197

Ooooh I wish I didn't like my tea so hot c'os I've just spilled it and burnt my fingers. Well now - day 197 and I'm finally getting going. My time.

My mate Rebecca said to call her if I get too lonely missing Steve (while he is in Antwerp), and I said it was very, very unlikely that I would. Truth is, I'm very happy with my own company, and much as I love my husband and undoubtedly will miss him, after ten months of him being with me 24/7, I'm perfectly alright for a bit without him. He'll be back every fortnight anyway, and that's not long, so I intend to make the most of this precious time on my own.

It's a bit like going on retreat, (apart from the bit where I still have a teenager to nag at, "what about your homework/ your socks smell please wash them/ when will you be home/ have you eaten?" etc.) my thoughts are, for the most part, purely about myself, and that is proving an invaluable experience. I hadn't realised, for instance, how many of my thoughts are designed to fit around other people, rather than really look at myself. I do so many more things than I ever realised because I think I should, rather than because I want to.

I have always listened to my body with regards to health but now I have a clear space in which to listen to my mind a bit more, and, as the two are indivisibly connected, I am listening hard. I notice how often I have an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach and back of my throat, that feels something like guilt, and comes attached to inner accusations of laziness.

I notice that many of my habitual actions are motivated by a low-level but distinct fear - feeling overwhelmed has become my default setting. The most common fear is of being unable to finish something, or even start it. I am fearful that my body will let me down much more of the time than I ever previously knew - the hustle and bustle of somebody else's presence and energy distracted me and diverted my attention away from noticing it. Now the silence is showing me the truth.

I have lost trust in my body,

I have lost the habit of honouring it's limitations,

And I have really low expectations of it.

I am out of sync with myself - no wonder I am not making much progress on the physical front. So for the last two days I have been confronting these issues and, lo and behold, I have managed to do five times as much as in the last six months, and some of the stiffness and aches and pains are starting to diminish. My food cravings are down a little and my ability to resist them is up a bit. All this is good.

However, inside I feel uncomfortable where usually I feel calm. I have found a lump of disquiet and a good wodge of anxiety that would generally be blocked out. Although I'm quite normal and don't much like feeling like this, I am happily letting myself delve into these places to find out what information they have about me. I am letting them sit here and get comfortable so that they give up their secrets. What is beneath them and driving them? I will find out.

I'm not an avoider - I prefer the freedom that comes with real resolution. I like to move onwards and upwards, not round in the same old circle. I got some books from the library to help kick-start this process. One is about beating Fibromyalgia through a five-week, intensive, inner exploration course. I have another five weeks before Steve finishes his contract so I'll give it a go. If I can reduce some of the pain in my feet it would be a real result.

Today's assignment was to give my pain/illness a name. I have called it the Big Bad Fairy Dust. This may sound daft to you but it makes sense to me and that is all that matters. I feel clogged like an over-used and under-emptied hoover most of the time. Tonight I will visualise a wonderful, warm, sparkling, magical wind blowing it away, bit by bit.

Even as I clear out the cobwebs and clutter from my recalcitrant mind, I notice that I am acting this out in real life too. Suddenly, I am desperate to clean, tidy, sort out and re-arrange the house, and am doing so, little by little. My energy fluctuates madly, of course, but that is ok. Took me an hour to hoover the kitchen yesterday, and the damn thing kept blocking up and having to be unclogged with a wooden spoon. Synchronicity at it's clearest, I think, and the parallels are obvious, so I must be on the right path.

I even had a phone call from the landlady's odd job man, Mike, who is coming next week with industrial strength drain clearer. As messages from the Universe go, this has style.

Perhaps I will have some answers next time I write. Perhaps I will just have a much cleaner house. Either works for me.