Down unknown roads

Day 289

Life changes course all the time. There are little swerves, dips in the road, hills and bumps, and most of the time, we don't notice. But it changes, nonetheless, and suddenly, we look back and say "how did that happen - and when did this become my life?"

Life is swerving mightily for us right now. We cannot help but notice. We are nearly swept off the road by it's force. Such change, such disruption, yet on the outside it would all look just the same to you.

Steve is discontinuing his pshycotherapy course. Not because it isn't the right one or he has gone off it, or changed his mind, or any of that rubbish. No. The body blows he has been dealt in the last month have left him unable to even consider it as a career path anymore. The whole vision he had of himself, his history, his family, his sense of identity - it has all come crashing down, and he is searching through the resultant rubble, trying to recognise his voice.

When I was at the worst point of my illness, I had a similar experience, and my heart goes out to him now. I know that he was never who he thought he was - the real Steve was always stronger, wiser, kinder, clearer, and even more beautiful. But in life we tend to believe less of ourselves, especially if our early life trained us in accepting unworthiness. It takes others, who love us, to remind us of our true hearts.

There he stands now, at the brink of all the horrible awareness that he is not who he once thought, and it is painful for him. There is shock to be recovered from. There is exploration to be endured. If he could see through my eyes, feel with my heart, he would know how extraordinary and fine and lovely a soul sits in him. I have glimpsed this many times. Our true natures cannot hide forever, not when we act out of love.

And Steve has loved. And shown his true self. And it has always been so enchanting that I have hungered for more every time, and felt profound loss when it was hidden away again.

I want to tell him that like that other Steve, we can rebuild him, better than ever before, but without it costing six million dollars. I want him to see that this is a transformative time, and that these are Phoenix ashes he now stands in.

He knows that I have recently lost my sense of self too - that I am journeying towards my own unknown and unguessed at future. I know he does not want to add to the difficulties that I carry, but I want him to take the hand I hold out to him, and feel the adventure waiting in the shadows. I am happy to take all of the first steps - let him follow close behind. There is nothing unfair about that - for when I am tired I can lean back and there will be someone to rest on.

Life changes all the time. We cannot prevent this, and why would we want to? We can choose how we ride the crest of those roller coaster times. Screaming, certainly, but with hands high above our heads, facing forward, letting the new ground rush towards us.

To follow ones heart is the bravest endeavour I know. Sometimes it feels the hardest, but I never doubt it, never. Hold my hand sweetheart, the future beckons us, the present pushes us, the past has abandoned us, we'll walk together in brand new shoes.