In limbo, but no dancing queen

Day 178

Everything is on hold until we find out whether Steve has definitely got this audit job in Antwerp or not. Initially it was supposed to start today, but things keep delaying it and changing the parameters, so we don't know if anything is going to happen or not.

I find myself waiting to make my plans as they are dependant upon the outcome. This may not make sense to people who live a more normal life than I do - indeed it probably sounds totally 1950's housewife in a pinny - but in terms physical, financial, and emotional, what Steve does with his time affects me too.

For one thing, we cannot afford to change our lifestyle at the moment because of financial constraints, by which I mean the dole. I love that I live in a country where we take care of those who are out of work, and know how lucky I am to have that, but........ I do think there is a difference between just scraping by and living.

For example - there are a lot of things I cannot do to help my health at the moment because we simply don't have the funds for it. A major one is food - healthy food of the particularly constrained and dietarily restricted nature that I need is bloody expensive. As are all the supplements I should be taking that have been prescribed for me by a nutritionist, and on which I feel a lot better, (at the moment I am even ekeing out the hormone cream that keeps me relatively sane to last as long as possible - I never put on as much as I actually need). So our financial state can make a big difference to what I do, just with food alone.

Hey ho. Such is life. And so I sit here waiting for Steve to move on with his work so that I can make other plans too. In the meantime, I have been very good doing the pruning in the garden, as that is not dependant upon money (yay!). Well, when I say good, I mean over-efficient - had a rough hormone day recently, after another grotty night, but the sun was sort of shining and I thought that if I got up and did something I might feel better. It sometimes works, sometimes not, but if I have the energy I always like to give it a try.

So I went out to look at the rose and honeysuckle tangle on the arch over the front steps. This is a rented house with a similarly rented garden, and as anybody in this position knows, tenants don't make great gardeners - it is rarely in their interest. I really love it ( when I get a window of energy), and always like to leave a garden better than I found it if I can. This rose had gone long and leggy and been badly pruned (at best) for some time, and the honeysuckle was worse and choking all the light from the rose. Time for a bit of Bev and some long handled snippy things, I thought.

Now I'm sure I've mentioned that having a rotten memory is one of the symptoms of my illness - you would be shocked at how much it changes overnight, according to which day of my month it is. But the fact of having a bad memory is actually hard to remember if you have a bad memory, ok, so I always forget that I do. This means I often forget other things as well, but don't do a very necessary double-check - because by now I have forgotten that I have a bad memory........... you see how this goes?

So I forgot that doing anything remotely skillful or important is crucial for me to LEAVE ALONE when I have days like that, as it always ends in tears (I am not kidding). I am, as a rule, a pretty ruthless pruner, as it seems to do the trick with things that have been left too long. However, I may have strayed way beyond ruthless, bypassed torturous, and gone straight into mass murder with barely a twitch.

When I hit the point where I mistook the main stem of the rose for an elongated bit of honeysuckle and chopped straight through, I suddenly remembered what I had forgotten and raced in to Steve at the computer yelling "Why didn't you stop me?". To say it now has plenty of light and room to grow is an understatement. By the time I had finished we had four car loads of green stuff to take to the tip. (And I haven't done all the other pruning yet.)

When Steve has a job and we have a bit of spare dosh again, I can make good the damage and actually weed the garden too. There is no point doing it now because without bark chippings to stop re-growth, or new plants to put in, the weeds will just fill the spaces again, healthier than ever.( I do actually save weeding for hormonal days though, because ruthless and above is what is generally required.)

So here I am, waiting for the good news to come about his job because then I can eat properly, take care of my body better, get out in the fresh air more, and get some exercise gardening which will help me too. You see how this fits now?

Don't you just wish you were me!