And so it begins

Day 46

There is a difference in the air, as palpable and elusive as Autumn mist. My life is changing from the inside out. After nineteen years of bad sleep, night horrors, drenching sweats and backache, I have woken up for the last two days with a burgeoning sense of purpose and excitement. This may not seem much to you, but my usual state is one of resignation ("oh God, it's morning already") and defeat ("how am I going to get through the day?").

Today, I can feel the germination of My New Life pushing against the seedcase of my ribs. There is a cool space there that seems to be expanding. My sense of capability is not increasing, but it is changing in flavour, from one of being held back by my incapacities, to a space of knowing that I am now able to work around them. My life no longer needs to be put on hold while I struggle to get better.

I send out into the ether a thousand thanks, to my wonderful Healing Centre where David and Rebecca, Tarananda and James all worked their miracle magic on me, helping my body to first stop degenerating, and then to begin steadily treading the road to recovery.

I am truly grateful for all the books I have read, which helped me take responsibility for my health on a personal and spiritual level. Without them I would not have found the habits that I had become too accustomed to, the excuses that I'd learned to rely on, or the sly benefits I had received from illness that required vanquishing.

I was so lucky to find a hypnotherapist who was also one of life's clean, bright spirits. He helped me to visualise myself truly well, something that had eluded me for many years, as my memory of being any other way faded and died. He gave me back belief in myself.

I can't praise highly enough the Art and Design Foundation course I followed for the last two years. I rediscovered my heart and soul, my true nature, my gift, my life-force. Without it I would not be where I am today - finding my feet, and forging ahead.

My husband - what can I say? Always there for me, even when he didn't understand, or say or do any of the right things. He still upheld me, supported me to follow my own path, respected what I was trying to do. It would have been so much easier for him if he shared my thoughts and beliefs, to help push me on. Instead, he often had to pull back his own thoughts in order to support me in mine. He wants for me, what I want for me, not what his preferences are - I am blessed.

And so here I am today - with a sense of internal momentum, like a car revving at the headlights, ready to start being a different person, having a different life, and creating a different future. It's no wonder that I wake up smiling at long last, even after a ridiculous night.