Food, glorious food, (not)

Day 148

I put out a call into the universe, a query, a request, a challenge to the Gods, and would you Adam and Eve it, I got a reply, pronto. I was led to a book that I got from the library two weeks ago but had forgotten about - suddenly, I felt a desperate urge to take myself off to bed early with this book, and study it.

Just to back-track, a few years ago I was working part-time in the photo processing at Safeway, but was sometimes on the checkout, which was a lot of fun. If you, like me, are always having a nosey at what other people have in their baskets whilst queueing, then you'll understand how much better it is to be able to deliberately look at it, c'os it's your job.

One chap, I remember, had 40 cans of lager and an apple. I told him to go and get a bag of carrots because that one, lone apple wasn't going to counteract all that booze. I used to comment on everybody's shopping and had some great conversations, it was a fun time.

That's how I met 'candida girl'. She had the healthiest shopping I had ever seen - organic veg, rice cakes, fresh salmon, herb teas, wholemeal tampons, the lot - and I told her so. She said she used to have CFS but had been put on this diet and it had completely turned her life around. I made the queue wait while she wrote out the website address I needed to visit and her contact number.

I've always been of the opinion that what you put into your body affects your health - it's how I was brought up. After my sister was born and the medical profession had given up trying to 'cure' my mum of what was most likely post-natal depression, she and my dad spent years investigating alternative medicines and healthy diets.

It was the sixties, and they were definitely not hippes (mores the pity), but I remember a large, brown case of tissue salts, Bach flower remedies, natural homemade yoghourt (out in the garden - but in a thermos flask?), goat's milk, wholemeal-stone-ground-rock-hard bread, and spending weekends collecting chickweed for poultices, dandelion roots for coffee, or rosehips for syrup.

My mum's 'Keble Martin', as it was always called - 'The concise British flora in colour' being it's real title - has pages and pages of diligently researched, hand written notes at the back. Clematis is good for headaches, stings, eyes and sore feet, apparently, Rosemary (with salt) is for wounds, Meadowsweet helps feverish colds, and Burdock is good for chilblains as long as you're not pregnant. At the time I honestly thought my mother was a witch.

When in my turn the medical profession washed it's hands of me, my natural instinct was to go down the holistic therapy/alternative medicine route. I tried as many things as the budget of a family with only one working parent could allow, all with some limited success, and was left knowing that the one thing I could do at home, was monitor what I put in my body.

So when I found out about the anti-Candida diet, I was quite excited - this was the first time that all the symptoms I had were attributed to one cause, including many that I hadn't even considered as symptoms, but had been living with all the same.

The diet was hard - I had to cut out all sugars including those from fruit, all caffeine drinks and alcohol, anything fungal or fermented - vinegar, marmite, cheese, mushrooms, yeast and bread etc. - and lots more besides. At first I went through a horrible detox, then slowly I started to improve. I never broke the diet once. I cooked for the family without tasting their food, ever, so I'm not sure how great their diet was either. I had birthdays, weddings and Christmas - all on this diet.

Then a horrible thing happened - I started to get worse again. I worked really hard at it, but I continued to deteriorate. Going back to the Nutritionist who had outlined the diet for me, I was given tests from urine, spit, etc., and it was found that my liver was getting backed up like a clogged drain.

It was suggested that the illness had caused 'leaky gut syndrome' where particles of food sneak back into ones bloodstream and are treated as aliens by the immune system, the resulting detritus being more than the liver can handle. This in turn causes a sensitivity to those foods, the most common suspects being dairy, gluten products and all of the nightshade family, so I cut those out as well.

I was now on the most restricted diet imaginable, and another Christmas was coming up. I felt no better, but I had stopped getting worse. I decided to take Christmas off and start again after, as it had been eighteen months and I just couldn't bear it anymore. Trouble was, after Christmas, I couldn't seem to get back on it again - I didn't have the will-power and I felt too shitty.

I've tried many, many times since, all with no lasting success - my body just doesn't want that level of deprivation and hard work any more, with no actual results guaranteed. Had I felt great on it, it would have felt worth all the effort, but I didn't, I felt rotten, and I couldn't even have a glass of wine or some lemon sorbet to take my mind off it.

Roll forward a few years. Here I am again, stuck needing to change what I do to improve my health, feeling fitter and more emotionally able after the joy of college for the last two years, but knowing my body isn't happy with what I put in it - I am having too many headaches for that to be true.

So I send out a call and am drawn to a book - about a diet - that is even more restricted than the first! This one is about the natural chemicals that are present in all foods, but which can cause problems in 'sensitive' people, CFS being a common complaint.

It would be churlish in the extreme to ask God for an answer and then whine because it isn't what one wants, and consequently ignore it. So I will give it a go. It may have much less variety than the other diet but I can have more treats on it, mangoes, for instance. The sweetest thing I was allowed on the other diet was a sunflower seed and, call me picky, but I just can't overdose on them.

I need to wait until the next lot of housekeeping money comes in from the dole office, and then do some careful shopping, and a lot of planning and pre-cooking, but my intention is to give myself a few weeks on this in order to detox and have a good old clear out. (Hoping the pre-menstrual food-cravings don't sabotage it too much.)

If I feel a little better - great! If I don't, then I haven't lost anything by doing it and it's back to the drawing board. If I feel really bad when I revert to my normal, fairly healthy eating, then It looks like I'm stuck on another long term diet - Oh whoopee (not). Either way, wish me luck, and don't expect 'happy Bev' while I'm detoxing!

So say we all

Day 100

It is six of the clock on Christmas Eve, and I bid everyone the very best Season's Greetings, ( although I will be seeing three of my five followers tomorrow, and so can tell them in person).

I have just wrapped the very last present and laid it under the tree. My neighbour has called and left homemade jams and apple jelly, all decorated with sparkly silver bows (thank you, thank you), and the last card has been hung on the last empty peg.

I can't say that 'nothing is stirring, not even a mouse,' because the gannet guinea pigs are going at their Xmas parsley hell for leather, and Steve is happily ensconced on the sofa with a glass of wine and a Haynes manual. I can say, however, that I am starting to feel that familiar tingle of excitement that Christmas always brings me.

It used to be the suspense of opening presents as a child, but now it is a delight in the traditional side of it all that sizzles in my blood. The smell of cinnamon and cloves, the twinkling lights and gaudy decorations, the idiocy of paper hats and crackers, and terrible jokes that no-one finds funny. The over-feeding and the under-exercising, the sense of people letting themselves off the hook for a day.

My gift to myself this year is pride. "What!" you say, "but that's one of the deadly sins!". Yeah, yeah, I know, but not the way I do it. I have lots of reasons to feel proud this year so I'm just going to, that's all.

1. Steve has applied for nearly four hundred jobs and has only his second interview just after Xmas. I am so proud of how he has handled this, when it has sometimes been really difficult for him. Time and again he has pulled himself back up to a positive stance, looked on the bright side, and refused to cave in.
2. Joe has got out of the YMCA where he was living, into a flat of his own. He has found part-time work that he loves and is doing what he can to find something more full-time. He is taking the first steps to get himself sorted and on the right track. Keep going, son, I love you to bits.
3. Sam has worked like a little Trojan, handling college, homework, shop work, and housework, all with barely enough sleep and no time to socialise or see his girlfriend. Despite this he has shown grace, patience, discipline (never his strong suit, so double brownie points for that), and staggering generosity. What a love.
4. I finished my book. I have received plenty of rejections from agents, but have stayed focused and positive and ready to target publishers with the same spirit next year. Putting oneself on the line is always the hard part and I am proud of myself for being willing to do so.
5. I have the best friends ever. I know none of them would want me to send Xmas cards if I felt it was an expense too far, and will not bat an eyelid to recieve nothing from me. They hold me in their hearts and offer any help they can give. I know they would do this at any time of the year, but it feels even more special at Xmas when they have so many other calls on their time, energy, and finances.
6. (And Lyds has just popped a pressie in my lap - I'm so blessed this year.)

These are good things, good things, and I am happy with pride because it is like a sort of gratitude that includes my part in it. As I write this, someone is letting off fireworks just up the hill. I can see them from my window and they mirror how I am in my body tonight. I am fireworks and tinsel, troika rides, snowball fights, a two-year old's anticipation and a lover's kiss beneath the mistletoe, both breathless and pure.

Let the bells ring out, the town cryers call, the families gather and the friends unite. It is the Christian Christmas, the pagan Yule tide, the jewish Hannukah, a time of solstice and renewal, a festival of light and rejoicing - above all a season of peace and goodwill to all men. So say we all.

Finding my 'food story'

Day 93

It is now three months since I started blogging so it is time to take stock. Have just reviewed my first day blog, and while some things have changed, it is not as many as I had hoped, though probably more than I expected.

For one thing, I can now find more energy, focus and determination than I managed then, despite my illness. I did finish my book, I did send it off to lots of agents and - even if they have now all sent back rejections - it is only the first step. After Christmas I will start targeting publishers, and there are many, many more of them than agents, so that will keep me busy for a while.

As to my health, that isn't much better, but then I haven't been giving it much priority. I was expecting Steve to be back at work by now and I saw that as a time when I could focus just on myself more. There would be less distraction and more space to take things at my own pace, set my own agenda.

I am concerned that I may have been using that as an excuse to over-indulge in foods that disagree with me and hinder my healing. I keep telling myself I will do better at that once he is at work, but wonder if I'm just prolonging the condition by failing to knuckle down and do what is necessary.

I'm lucky in that my favourite foods are reasonably good for my body - I am not a chocoholic - but tiredness plays a big part in defining the meal choices that I make at the moment, and they are often less than good.

Unfortunately, changing those habits does feel like hard work - a punishment, almost - and I need to work through those issues as well, or I suspect my success will be limited. When I look back into my past, I see that my 'food story' is complicated and not very healthy.

As a child, I was emotionally abandoned by my mother very early on. With hindsight, it is probable that she had post-natal depression after my sister was born which developed into the same depressive and mood altering illness that I, in my turn, was struck down by. I was only four at the time, so all I knew was that I got shouted at constantly, and could do absolutely nothing right in her eyes from then on until her death, when I was 23.

My father stopped protecting me from her when I hit teenage, and even took her side against me, though he knew she lied. Worn down by her mood swings and vicious temper, he stopped standing up to her, probably suffering from depression himself.

As a family, we were constantly broke as well, which added extra pressure, and ensured that any scrap of something that was comforting was in short supply. A special treat was a Mars bar split between five, each of us hoping for the extra chocolaty piece from the end.

I used to steal food. I would find where biscuits or cashew nuts were hidden, (note, hidden, not available), and pinch as many as I thought I could get away with. This was the seventies, by the way, not some post war, ration book existence!

So now I find self denial really hard to do. When I have been on strict diets to help my body heal itself, I have felt emotionally distressed and often deeply sad. I think I still identify with that little girl looking for comfort any way she can, and denying myself a glass of wine or even a piece of toast and butter, takes me back to that time at an unconscious, cellular level.

I suspect I am accusing myself of taking up the mantel dropped by my mother, and continuing to treat that little girl badly by denying her what she wants and should be allowed to have. In order to resolve my health issues, I need to deal with these emotional ties - that bind food with love, and make it about comfort and safety, rather than nourishment and health.

This is not so straightforward.

No wonder I have been waiting for Steve to go back to work before tackling it!

And for Christmas to be over, obviously.

Bad sleep, boiled kids, and The Great Potato

Day 91

Steve forgot to order my Progesterone cream in time to beat the Christmas post, and so I ran out yesterday. This is not the tragedy that it would have been a few years ago, when the absence of it would have resulted in me pacing the floor, shaking and sweating as if with the DT's, crying, anxious, and unable to do anything except count the seconds away. No - those days are long gone, thankfully, and my recovery from this rather bonkers illness is well under way.

I still need it to help me sleep now that I am menopausal though. This has pushed me back a bit - hormones even further out of whack than usual - so I find supplementing my progesterone is the only thing that knocks me out and keeps me that way, (five trips to the loo notwithstanding). Last night, I dozed a little, then was wide awake from 2.00 until about 5.30, so am all over the place today. This may explain the odd, last, dream memory I had upon waking, and my subsequent thoughts.

In it, I remember seeing someone in a huge, loose-knit, stripey jumper trying to climb over a wall, but being prevented by several other people from whom he was obviously trying to escape, hanging onto his jumper. Couldn't recall the rest of the dream so that made no sense, but then the words of the second commandment popped into my head out of nowhere - "Thou shalt have no other God but me", and that did make it weird.

(Not as weird, however, as going online and checking the number of the commandment only to discover there is actually a version in Exodus which states "Thou shalt not boil a kid in it's mother's milk"! Well, you wouldn't anyway, would you.)

It got me thinking - always a bad thing when my sleep is haywire - that if this were a written law, then it could be picked to pieces in court quite easily. For a start, it implies there are other Gods available, and that a choice - if not necessarily 'right', according to them - is possible.

Now that is the Old Testament for you - all God's wrath, and testing, and punishment, and other stuff that would make you consider different options if more than one God was around, so perhaps laying down a commandment about it was the only way that made sense to them at the time. You get to the New Testament and things have quietened down a bit. Here one is told that all good deeds done in another's name go directly to this God anyway - all roads leading up the same mountain, so to speak. Phew.

Then of course, big J announces that no-one gets to 'the Father' but by him. What's that all about? If there are no other Gods then it doesn't matter which name you pray to, surely? And isn't the desire for world domination the one distinguishing characteristic of all super villains? Not good advertising! And frankly, not very good for peace and love, which the J man was supposed to be all about.

Sadly, the truth of the matter could be in the fact that the Bible was written long after Jesus died, and was therefore the tabloid newspaper of its day. No actual interview, as such, just lots of half remembered quotes and other peoples opinions. Folk tend to remember only the things that had impact on them, and it's quite easy to take things out of context.

So here's what I think. That every living atom in this universe and the next, and all the spaces in between, has at heart an energy that is beautiful, and extraordinary, and divine, and perfect, and you can call it any name you like. It doesn't need worshipping because it has no ego, and it can't ever stop existing, it can only change it's form. It is simply life, and I call it God because that works for me, but I could just as easily call it Frank or the great potato, it would make no difference.

This Christmas, when I hear people celebrating with carols the birth of Jesus, and singing praise him, hallelujah, I will let the words pass me by and focus on the spirit of it all. The joy, the wish for peace, the neighbourliness, and the practice of giving and appreciating, these are all good things. From Wenceslas to Santa, generosity and love have been hallmarks of Christmas, whichever name you give your God, however you worship, and whatever your beliefs.

Real peace on Earth can only come about with acceptance of others, including their beliefs. If we can see it as all part of the same thing, then it gets a little easier, I think.

Why Handmade is the new Harrods

Day 88

Spent the afternoon out yesterday with my friends from college, Carole and Diane, and had a lovely time. Aren't good friends just the best gift in the world? Went round 'Unpopular Culture' - the Grayson Perry curated art exhibition (fabulous), then onto 'Hansel und Gretel', a little Swiss shop with a cafe in it's basement, for coffee and strudel. Talked A LOT! You'd think I hadn't spoken to anyone for weeks!

Mind you, being quiet is something I've never been very good at. At school, I was always sent to the back of the class so my chatter wouldn't drive the teachers mad. Even at college last year my tutor told me how quiet it would be once me and my mate Sarah (just as bad) had left. "You'll miss me" I said. "Yes I know I will, but it will still be quiet" he replied. Thanks Dave.

Steve is at his phsycho-babbler course today and the house is a tip, so have a lot to do. Bought the last few bits and bobs to finish my homemade Xmas presents with yesterday, and intend to do that this weekend as well.

Have been watching 'Kirstie's Homemade Christmas' on the telly, hoping for good ideas. Bit of a waste of time. She seems a nice woman, and I really love her simple enthusiasm for everything festive, but money saving she ain't. Has she any clue at all what coping with Christmas means for most of us?

The most ridiculous thing she showed us as an 'economy,' was going to a glass blowers and blowing your own tree baubles! On what planet is that cheaper than a pack of six from Asda, gussied up with a bit of extra glitter and a bow you saved off the only bunch of flowers you ever got sent? Honestly, rich people, I don't know!

Cheap is gathering pine cones from the woods, then buying a 50p bag of birdseed and making your own bird feeders - bit of cellophane, bit of ribbon, bish bosh, job's a good 'un. Or picking up those empty wine boxes free from the supermarket, and then painting them to look like chimney stacks to stick all the pressies in and save on wrapping. (This is only cheaper if you have all the paint already like I do, obviously).

Still, I did like her hand embroidered table napkins - very festive - even if she did cheat and get other people to do them for her, (oh, the time pressures of being on the telly!). And she has made it look as if homemade is cool and chic, which is good news for me as that's all my family are getting, so thank you for that, Kirsty.

Still, time's moving on, and in these days of shallow daylight, the sun is almost over the yardarm already and I am not even dressed yet. Better get on. Cheerio.

"Oh look - Jesus is out of his pond"

Day 85

As a reaction to having no money this Christmas I am going completely over the top with my house decorations. Sadly, I don't mean in the 'lights over everything, council-estate' sort-of-way, (which I think is rather wonderful, but couldn't cope with), but more in the 'lets see how many surfaces of my house can be made to look festive' sort-of-way.

Pride of place is given to my plastic silver glitter Jesus money box. Let me just say that again - a plastic silver glitter Jesus money box. That is wrong on so many levels, which is probably why it appeals to me so much. Well - HE has a very special place, as you will see.

Last year, Steve and the cat were riveted by a TV programme called Bill Oddie's Wild Side, which naturally featured a lot of birds. Often the filming took place in Bill's own garden which is to the RHS what Nightmare Before Christmas is to Schindler's List. The place is crammed full of garden ornaments covering every level of taste imaginable, and some far below. It looks like it was designed by Alice in Wonderland on an acid trip in Bavaria. Fabulous place, honestly, beyond words wonderful, and kitsch as all Hell.

One piece of filming followed the antics of a fox that snuck in there at night and moved things around. The apogee of this vignette for me was Bill Oddie exclaiming "Oh look, Jesus is out of his pond!", and popping him back in his 'rightful place' (?) in the middle of a tiny puddle, surrounded by outsize frogs and turtles etc.

Why this was the perfect spot for him (or why he was there in the first place) was never made clear. There was some sense of baptismal possibility, I suppose, but the garden gnome looking on did rather render this unlikely.

I found this was the image that stayed with me, however, long after the series was over. I'm sure the cat still dreams of flocks of starlings that resemble a whale, but I still see Jesus in his pond, and that, weirdly, has become the right place for him in my mind.

I don't have a pond though. So the nearest thing to that is the toilet cistern on which he now proudly stands, blessing every bit of water that flows therefrom. This pleases me no end. The true spirit of Christmas is alive and well and living in my downstairs loo.

Am going to the woods at the end of the road (when I have the energy), to pick ivy to drape over all the pictures. Why this has become the fashion I have no idea, but it makes more sense seasonally than tinsel does.

Instead of being all chic and themed or colour co-ordinated like I usually am, I have put all my decorations out. For instance, the tree baubles that clash are stacked in bowls or hung in front of pictures, and plastic snowflakes are hanging from the beams. Today the ceiling streamers are going up in the bedrooms so that no room is left un-christmassed. (I know that isn't a word, but it should be).

To my delight, I found I had three tiny Xmas stockings, just big enough to put a carrot in each. These have been hung on the guinea pig cage and are arousing much curiosity. I have become so happily occupied with all this decorating, that if an orange hangs around long enough it will find itself stuck full of cloves and tied up with ribbon, before it can scream for help from the man from Del Monte.

The 'Bah Humbug' hat is hanging over the cat's litter tray, naturally - there's no place for that in my Xmas!

Decking my halls

Day 83

Have just woken up and am in a bit of a state. In my dreams I had lost or accidently killed some puppies that were in my care, which was upsetting enough, but then I was in a shop trying on necklaces and the small child I had in the buggy with me ran off, and I had to dash out frantically into the road and search to find him. When I got back to the shop, stricken with guilt, my handbag had been stolen or lost, but the shop girls thought they had it so I went through the lost property until I found something similar. I opened the bag so see if it was mine but it wasn't ,yet the shop girls kept trying to convince me it was, even though the driving licence photo inside looked nothing like me. Then I looked at my watch and realised it was two o'clock and my dad - who has been dead now for over twenty years and whom I miss very much - was due at my house at one, so I was too late to see him. I woke up sweating and anxious, with a dry mouth, a thumping head and aching all over.

Such is life when you have hormone problems - as Progesterone is partly responsible for monitoring blood sugar levels (along with insulin), a low progesterone count equals a low blood sugar reading in my brain. This sets off an adrenaline burst ( to get the liver to convert stored glucose and get it out into the blood ), which affects my emotions if I am awake, or my dreams if I am asleep. I put on a Progesterone cream when I go to bed but it doesn't last all night, and now that I am in the menopause, the whole thing has ratcheted up a notch. What jolly fun.

Still, been through a year of the 'change' already and this whole ridiculous business will be stopping one day soon. Roll on that day, I say - I must be the only woman in England who thinks getting old enough to have finished with the menopause is a damn good thing.

Couldn't get near the computer to blog over the weekend, as Steve was hogging it to rewrite his CV for a new job possibility. We're both very hopeful about this one as it ticks pretty much all the boxes for us. Fingers crossed that he gets called for an interview, OK?

Frankly, I really want him to get a job soon as he is clearly starting to lose his marbles. On Saturday he called me "Honey Pooh Bear"! I mean, what the Hell? We DO NOT do stupid, infantile, baby names for each other - yuk, not a chance, no, but then - to add insult to injury - I asked him to put deoderant on the shopping list, and he produced a bottle of LYNX! I can't wear Lynx - I'm a girl.......with taste........and standards. What does he think he is doing?

Well now, I've had two cups of hot water and lemon and got all that off my chest ,so I am starting to feel much more human again, (bit like transforming into a werewolf, only in reverse). Today is a new day, in a new week, in My New Life and I want to make the most of it.

So - have nearly finished my part in making all the Christmas presents, and have had a rootle around the garage to see what else we can sell on Ebay. Found a few pieces of vintage china, which is a start. Will also begin putting up the Xmas decorations and making the house into a warm and inviting place for the family to be in. When you're broke you need a bit of extra looking after.

Am regretting putting my foot down last year and demanding a real Xmas tree so we could throw the ratty old one we found in the attic away. We won't be spending Xmas at home this year anyway, but at my brother's house, which I am very excited about - there will be fifteen of us and it's going to be a lot of fun. However, that leaves us wilth only the tiny tree in a pot in the garden (that was our kitchen tree last year), but as Sam laughingly said, it's not like we'll have lots of presents to put under it anyway.

My family are SO fantastic. The fact that we can only afford handmade gifts is something they are all happily embracing, to the point where I am having to push them to do any kind of Xmas list at all. "Don't worry, I don't need anything", they say. "Well tough, you'd better come up with something cos I'm not giving you nothing!" I reply.

Sam even gave us 75% of his Saturday job wages to help with the bills last week. What a kid, I'm so proud of him. I really feel the true spirit of Xmas is something living ,and real, and tangible in the house this year. We are all looking after each other and helping each other out. Nobody is thinking about what they will get, only what they can gift. It is precious and beautiful, peaceful and calm. No frantic shopping or overspending. What a blessing - we are lucky people indeed.

Up and running and on a roll!

Day 79

Well today I got right back on the horse, so to speak. Undeterred by the rejection letters for my manuscript, I went through the list of agents in my 'Author's and Artist's Year Book' again and - putting aside anybody in Dublin or Edinburgh or other out-of-the-way places - I made a new list.

I have emailed introductory letters to two agents who don't accept unsolicited manuscripts, and posted a request to another. I also found another three agents to send my book to, and updated and revised my covering letter. Way to go, me.

We have just got back from the post office where I pissed off the usual queue of people behind me, especially as I had this sweet little trainee serving me instead of Mrs Grumpy, so it took even longer than last time. She couldn't seem to quite grasp the concept of being asked for stamps to stick onto self addressed envelopes, that were then put inside other envelopes to be sent off. Bless.

Now it is sit and wait time again, and I feel so much better than yesterday because I am doing something pro-active.

I did my Runes last night to help focus me for today. They pretty much all said that not a lot would be happening right now, but that it was all good. Persevere, they kept repeating, and carry on regardless. If you get exhausted from all the obstructions in your path, see the humour, stay centred and deal with any issues that come up. Fair enough. That's what I was going to do anyway, but it's nice to be told.

Also, posted two birthday and two Christmas presents while we were out. Am doing very well on the 'we have no money but I'm celebrating Xmas anyway' front. So far I have made or bought sixteen Xmas presents and four birthday presents and cards, for under fifty quid. Yeehar me!

I am the genius of crap presents. I'm sure all my relatives are thinking "oh God, what will she make us this year? The only thing we haven't had so far are knitted poodle loo roll covers - Help!" Can I just say that I would love a poodle loo roll cover, as I am a very kitsch person (but only if the wool was pink and glittery and that nasty nylon stuff), but sadly, my relatives are not - they have taste.

My most favourite present to receive would be one of those Hawaiian hula dancing dolls, who swing their hips so their grass skirts wobble. Or a whacking gr't cactus. Superfab! Mind you, I also secretly crave the silver glitter plastic Virgin Mary that I saw in Paperchase - she would go so well with the turquoise glitter Jesus that I got there last year.(sigh!)

Have instructed the guys to put up 'what I want for Xmas' lists, favouring very cheap or free things that could be made. On my own list I have put getting inside my oven cleaned, a job I detest and put off even more than the ironing, which - as you know - is the benchmark for these things. Will it happen? - doubt it.

We're also going to avoid sending any Xmas cards this year, but that's OK because we can pretend it's an eco, save-the-planet sort of thing. You see, if you try, there really is a positive way to see everything!

Counting down

Day 60

I lay awake last night until four in the morning. I am lucky enough, that when the insomnia hits, I can be unstressed about it. There is nothing I have to do today, so I can catch up on sleep if I need to. I have no young children to be up and about for at six thirty in the morning, no job that I must be alert for at nine. I can take today as my body dictates.

So I listened to the wind whipping itself into a primeval frenzy, the rain constant and ferocious. This morning my beautiful Japanese Maple tree, so recently turned the colour of burning embers, is semi-nude, the garden littered like shame.

Last night, wary of the impending storm, we had packed away the garden chairs and taken down the wall plates, so the visiting wind did not hurl and smash them. Today, the tree trunks are black with soaking damp, the beds churned into chaos, and the whole garden has a Jurassic feel. The Old Magic stirs.

It seems to have blown my mind clear. Yesterday, I woke with a thumping head that hung like a reprimand over me all day. I finally gave in and took painkillers (which may be why I could not sleep, they don't much agree with me), but I still lay exhausted most of the time. I tried to work on my next book, but the concentration needed eluded me. I tried to rest, but tears overwhelmed me. I wanted to blog, but my brain blanked out. Another day older, that is all.

Today, I feel me again, and I am in that sacred place - an empty house. I shall put aside my book until Monday, and concentrate on starting the great Christmas present make schedule. We have less money than it takes to get through the month (on the dole thanks to the recession), and so everything must be less than cheap, it must be practically free.

My family are wonderful - they won't mind this at all. I personally, prefer homemade presents, and though I don't know if they go that far, I know they appreciate them. For my birthday this year, My brother and his wife filled a picture frame with old photos of me that I didn't know existed. I love that they made that effort for me. It is special.

For me, Christmas should have that feel. It is a time of thankfulness, of reminding ourselves what is important, of telling those we love how much we care. I don't subscribe to the 'Christmas shopping is hell' point of view. If you aren't enjoying it, don't do it. Being able to go into a shop and choose something particular for a special person in your life, is a privilege and a treat.

When I was a kid, there was never any money. A pair of hand-me-down shoes was, frankly, a big deal. I saw my brother and sister go without so much that they wanted, and often needed. One big dream I had was that one day, when I was older, I would be able to get them everything they wanted, desired, or deserved.

Well, next year maybe. In the meantime, this year, everybody is going to get my love, energy, creativity, and hard work instead. Really, what more could anyone want?